Friday, July 23, 2010
5 Top Steps to Take Prior to Commencing a Divorce
Written by: Jacqueline Harounian
A comprehensive checklist of steps to take to protect yourself financially before you hire a lawyer. If you gather together the required documents, and start creating an inventory of your assets, you will save a lot of time and money.
1 Protect your inheritance
While your client is deciding whether to file for a separation or divorce, they should take the following steps to protect their rights emotionally, financially, and legally. Clients should realize that their main objective is to preserve and protect marital assets, not dissipate them or grab them first. • If you received any monetary inheritance or gift (other than from your spouse) do not commingle it with marital monies. Keep it segregated and try to keep it intact. You may need it in the event of a separation.
2 Make copies of important documents
• Locate and make copies of: o the most recent income tax returns, including all schedules; o stock or bond certificates (regardless whether ownership is individual or joint); o savings account passbooks or statements; o money market fund or brokerage account statements; o checking account statements (and, if possible, the check stub register); o appraisals of real estate or tangible personal property (e.g., those made for insurance purposes); o loan applications and financial statements and wills or trust documents; o If your spouse owns a business, try to make a copy of all cash receipts for past three years.
3 Protect your household valuables and credit accounts
• Inventory contents of any jointly held safe deposit box, and household valuables such as silver, china, antiques, and objects d'art. • Try to establish personal credit relationships (gas credit cards, Dept. stores and National credit card companies such as Visa, MasterCard, etc.)
4 Open a separate bank account and safe deposit box
Open a bank account in your name at a bank where your spouse does not do business. Start depositing as much money as you can. If and when you do separate, you will need available funds. You will need to retain an attorney and may have other expenses which your spouse refuses to pay. He/She may even withhold support, which will place a financial burden on you until a motion can be brought and heard. • Obtain a safe deposit box at the same bank as your (new) personal bank account.
5 Other steps to protect yourself
• Make a list of return addresses of all mail received by your spouse from brokerage houses, banks, insurance companies and credit card issuers. • Have a medical and dental exam. If convenient, undergo any treatments you need or anticipate needing in the near future if they are covered under your spouse's insurance. • Keep a diary of relevant events, and prepare a detailed chronology of your marriage, relationship, purchase of major assets, refinances, birth of children, etc.
Additional Resources
The above Family Matters “Q & A” Newsletter question was answered by Jacqueline Harounian, a law partner at Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C. You can reach Ms. Harounian at jackie@lawjaw.com if you have any questions or would like additional information. You can also schedule an appointment for a free consultation at (516) 773-8300.
Wisselman Harounian & Associates, P.C.
Mediation versus Litigation
Mediation versus Litigation in Divorce Cases
Written by: Jacqueline Harounian
What are the benefits and limitations of each method? You may be surprised at the answers!
Explained by an experienced matrimonial litigator and professional mediator.
1 Mediation is the Best Starting Point for Many Couples
If you and your spouse have good communication together, and can agree to basic terms regarding custody and division of assets, you may want to consider mediation. A good mediator can help the two of you reach a full agreement regarding support and hep you understand the divorce process.
2 Mediation is a Waste of Time and Money for Certain Couples
If you and your spouse cannot communicate, or there are issues of domestic violence, mental health issues, drugs and alcohol, or child abuse, mediation is not advised. On the financial front, mediation has limitations in cases where there are cash income, a family business, hidden assets, or one party refuses to cooperate in producing documents. The mediator cannot make any orders, or compel disclosure. If one side stonewalls, the mediation will not be able to proceed.
Additional Resources
Check my website at lawjaw.com for more information. We offer a free consultation to see if you are a candidate for mediation. The couple must come in together for the intake meeting. Call 516 773 8300 or email Jackie@lawjaw.com for more information.
Wisselman Harounian & Associates PC
Written by: Jacqueline Harounian
What are the benefits and limitations of each method? You may be surprised at the answers!
Explained by an experienced matrimonial litigator and professional mediator.
1 Mediation is the Best Starting Point for Many Couples
If you and your spouse have good communication together, and can agree to basic terms regarding custody and division of assets, you may want to consider mediation. A good mediator can help the two of you reach a full agreement regarding support and hep you understand the divorce process.
2 Mediation is a Waste of Time and Money for Certain Couples
If you and your spouse cannot communicate, or there are issues of domestic violence, mental health issues, drugs and alcohol, or child abuse, mediation is not advised. On the financial front, mediation has limitations in cases where there are cash income, a family business, hidden assets, or one party refuses to cooperate in producing documents. The mediator cannot make any orders, or compel disclosure. If one side stonewalls, the mediation will not be able to proceed.
Additional Resources
Check my website at lawjaw.com for more information. We offer a free consultation to see if you are a candidate for mediation. The couple must come in together for the intake meeting. Call 516 773 8300 or email Jackie@lawjaw.com for more information.
Wisselman Harounian & Associates PC
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
When Love Hurts - Domestic Violence
If you have been following the Mel Gibson saga playing out on the internet and other media, and heard the tapes and seen the photos, it is increasingly apparent that Mel Gibson is a violent batterer. Too often, the victim is not believed, and for this reason, avoids going to authorities. In this case, the alleged victim has an abundance of proof, and the courage it seems to assert her claims against a mega celebrity.
Please read the article I wrote below on domestic violence. If you are a victim, or know someone who is, get help immediately.
WHEN LOVE HURTS
"Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got."-- Janis Joplin
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and coercive behavior which can involve physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. Domestic violence is not only evidenced or experienced by broken bones, bruises, and black eyes. It can be slaps and shoves, as well as threats, with or without a weapon. It can be economic control and emotional humiliation that causes harm to the victim.
Who is affected?
Domestic violence affects people who are married or dating, and can occur between parents and children. It affects people from all social, economic, racial, religious and ethnic groups. It knows no boundaries. It occurs in affluent areas with as much frequency as in the inner cities. It is just more carefully hidden, and much more stigmatized. While anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, women are by far the most common victims. The statistics from the National Institute of Justice indicate that 95% of victims are female, and 95% of perpetrators are male. This translates to millions of women being abused by their partners each year. In many cases, the abusers are men in positions of authority and respect in their work and careers.
My law firm sponsors regular workshops for mental health professionals on family law issues, including domestic violence and its effect on families. One of our guest speakers was Lois Schwaeber, Esq., of the Nassau County Coaction Against Domestic Violence, also known as "The Coalition". This highly regarded organization is a private, non-profit tax exempt entity, founded in 1976. The agency is the only comprehensive service provider to victims of domestic violence in Nassau County. It offers counseling, legal services, safe housing and Family Court advocacy for victims. All services are confidential and without charge. The Coalition can be reached at 516-572-0700. There is also a free, confidential 24 hour hotline at 516-542-0404.
How can you recognize violence in a relationship?
A healthy relationship is based on trust and mutual respect. Each partner supports the other, and tries to understand each other’s feelings and experiences, and feels free to express his or her needs. An abusive relationship often starts just like a healthy one -- full of love, excitement and romance. As time goes on, however, what once felt loving and flattering starts to feel controlling and even frightening. Some signs of an abusive relationship at the dating stage are: excessive jealousy, threats and accusations, name calling, humiliation, possessiveness, and violence. Domestic violence includes isolation of the victim from family and friends, forced sex, control of financial matters, excessive criticizing and belittling, destruction of property, monitoring of the victim’s whereabouts, stalking, and manipulation. The more experienced abuser can check the car’s mileage and question the children about the victim’s daily activities.
What is emotional abuse?
Physical abuse may be easy to recognize, but what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is often invisible and unreported. It is verbal abuse, threats, humiliation, and control. The abuser may prevent his partner from getting or keeping a job. He may force the victim to ask for money, or give her an allowance. He may deny her access to the family income. He abuses her by making her think she is crazy, playing mind games, controlling who she sees and talks to, and where she goes. Studies have shown that emotional abuse may be even more destructive than physical abuse because the abuser is always in the victim’s face, demeaning, degrading, humiliating and harassing her. In most communities, emotional and psychological abuse is much more common than physical abuse.
What are the causes and effects of domestic violence?
Domestic violence is rarely caused by alcohol or drug use, genetics, stress or mental illness. Therefore, it is not treatable in most cases with medication. Violence is not caused by loss of control as previously believed. It is the intentional use of controlling tactics. Violence is the choice the abuser makes to gain control and power in his household. The following characteristics are found in most batterers in family relationships:
< Control: Coerciveness is widely recognized as a central quality of battering men. The abuser treats the victim like a servant; he makes all of the big decisions and acts like the "master of the castle". One of the areas of life heavily controlled by these men is their wives’ parenting skills. An abusive man may overrule the mother’s parenting decisions, or assault her when he is angry over the children’s behavior.
< Entitlement: A man who batters considers himself entitled to a special status within the family, with the right to use violence when he deems necessary. He believes that he has the right to enforce his will on his partner. This belief, rooted in sexism and misogyny, is supported and tolerated by the society in which we live, a society which has historically condoned the use of violence against women. "Hitting my wife has nothing to do with how good a parent I am. As a man, I have the right to define her reality."
< Possessiveness: Abusive men have been reported to perceive their partners as owned objects. Other characteristics that can have an impact on children include manipulativeness, denial of the abuse, and resistance to change. Some abusers use favoritism to build a special allegience with one child in the family. As some researchers have noted, the favored child is particularly likely to be a boy, who is encouraged to feel superior to females.
The abuse is cumulative and it eventually robs the victim of her identity. The abuse almost never stops on its own and almost always gets steadily worse and more violent with the passage of time. Marriage counseling usually is not effective to stop the abuse because the victim is afraid to speak up out of fear of later repercussions. In addition, the abuser is often very manipulative and charming (even romantic), and as a result can fool the counselor that the marital problems are the victim’s own fault. He may claim that he is the real victim, and that she needs to change. Therefore, the counseling sessions become another means to control the victim and humiliate her. Researchers report frightening accounts of men who say and do all of the right things, and are the "star" of their anger management class, who are later arrested for horrific acts of violence towards their partners.
Recurring abuse may cause significant psychological problems resulting in post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety or mood disorders, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and substance abuse (used to self medicate). Both victims and batterers use alcohol or drugs to rationalize the violence. Society also rationalizes the situation, creating reasons why victims stay in the relationship and excuses the abuser as not really being a bad person. Adolescents in treatment for alcohol abuse are reported to have a higher rate of witnessing violence at home.
What are the effects on children?
Children who witness domestic violence, even indirectly, experience high levels of stress, fear and tension due to the high level of conflict between the parents. According to Ms. Schwaeber, when children live in a household with fighting and abuse, they are much more likely to:
-- copy the hitting and yelling they see.
-- live in fear of physical harm to themselves or their family.
-- worry too much.
-- think they are responsible and feel badly about themselves.
-- feel hopeless and sad and be unable to concentrate at school.
-- have problems with eating or sleeping.
-- love and hate the abuser at the same time.
Studies have indicated that children who witness domestic violence at home, compared to those who do not, exhibit more aggressive and anti-social behavior, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and low cognitive, verbal and motor skills. Moreover, men who abuse their wives are often violent towards their children. Children from violent families, even if not physically abused themselves, are severely affected by their experiences. A child who has witnessed violence in the home is often thinking: "I can’t sleep because I worry about Mommy. Why won’t she stop crying? I am afraid that Daddy will really hurt Mommy. Why are there broken dishes in the kitchen? If I keep my room clean, maybe Daddy wouldn’t hit Mommy. I get so frightened when they yell that I need to hide. I want to call the police."
As children get older and begin their own relationships, they will often mimic the behavior they witnessed in their childhood. Boys often react to domestic violence by acting with aggression towards their mothers and sisters. They carry this aggressive behavior into their later lives as boyfriends, husbands, and fathers. Girls who witness domestic violence may become more passive and in later life, they may become attracted to abusive men.
Why do victims stay in abusive relationships?
There are many reasons why women stay in the relationship, even after they know that they are being harmed. Some reasons are:
! Fear that leaving will precipitate even more violent incidents (One out of three
women killed in homicides tried to leave abusive partners.)
! Emotional dependency on the marital relationship, accompanied by feelings of low self esteem and self blame.
! No access to cash and lack of financial resources and employment income; concern about future economic security.
! Concern about the effects of a marital breakup on the children’s future.
! Feelings of love for the abusive spouse, coupled with hopes that the relationship will improve. (The victim believes that if she tries a little harder, or is a better wife, the abuser will really change.)
! Rationalization and excuses for the abuser’s behavior.
! Physical or social isolation from family.
! Strong cultural and religious beliefs about the importance of staying married, at all costs (Orthodox Jewish women stay twice as long in violent relationships, according to Carol Goodman Kaufman, author of Sins of Omission)
! Feelings of shame about choosing a bad partner, and having made a mistake.
! Acceptance of violence as "normal". (Mothers of victims tell their children, "My marriage was the same".)
! Lack of information about legal rights and the resources available.
! Prior unsuccessful attempts to obtain help.
! Concern that a report of violence won’t be believed. (Family and friends see the abuser as a "good guy" since the abuser is always careful to abuse in private, and always displays a positive image in public.)
! Fear of the unknown or making a life change. Fear of loneliness and social isolation.
What can be done to help the victim?
Religious and cultural beliefs may tacitly or openly approve of preserving the family, even to the detriment of women and children. In many cultures, there is a strong belief that domination of women by men is acceptable, based upon sex-based stereotypes about appropriate roles and conduct for women and men. In this belief system, males are superior to females, and the victim, not the abuser, is to blame.
It is important to offer support to the victim, and to help her understand that she is not to blame, and there is help available to her. If the victim has the support of her family and friends, she will have the strength she needs to investigate her legal options and to stop the abuse. The victim needs to know that there is a safe place for her to go with the children if the need arises. She can seek counseling to better understand her situation and what her options are.
National Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: 1-800-356-9996
A hotline which provides information on alcoholism and referrals to local support groups for friends and family members of alcoholics.
Alcohol Treatment Referral Hotline: 1-800-ALCOHOL
A 24-hour helpline which provides information and local referrals to people with alcohol and/or drug use concerns.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (212) 870-3400
The national AA base which provides information and referrals to local AA establishments.
Cocaine Anonymous: 1-800-347-8998
The national CA hotline which makes referrals for cocaine users to local support group meetings.
Families Anonymous: 1-800-736-9805
A hotline which refers family members and friends of alcohol or drug users to local FA meetings. *FA
The Helpline: 1-800-821-4357
A 24-hr alcohol and drug abuse assistance, information, and local referral service.
Narcotics Anonymous: (212) 929-6262
The national NA base which provides drug abusers with information and referrals to local NA groups.
National AIDS Hotline: 1-800-342-AIDS
An information service which offers local referrals for testing, support groups, and counseling.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
A national helpline which provides crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, and counseling.
National Victim Center: 1-800-FYI-CALL
An information and referral service for victims of domestic violence or rape.
Nassau Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: (516) 433-8003
A hotline which refers friends and family members of alcoholics to local support groups.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Hotline of Nassau County: (516) 481-4000
A 24-hour alcohol and drug abuse information, referral, and crisis helpline.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (516) 292-3040
A hotline which provides alcohol abusers with referrals to local AA group meetings.
Children of Alcoholics or Drug Abusers: (516) 588-6676
A YMCA Family Services support group for children (young and adult) of substance abusers.
Domestic Violence Hotline: (516) 485-4600
A helpline which offers a program specifically for abusive men seeking counseling and/or referrals.
LIAAC: Long Island Association for AIDS Care: (516) 385-AIDS
A hotline and referral service offering AIDS information, full client services, support groups, a legal clinic, a buddy program, and pastoral care.
Narcotics Anonymous: (516) 937-6262
A hotline for drug abusers which makes referrals to local NA support group meetings.
Nassau Coalition Against Domestic Violence: (516) 542-0404
An organization that offers counseling, shelter, and legal help to victims of abuse.
Suicide Hotline of Nassau: (516) 679-1111
A crisis intervention and referral hotline for suicide, substance abuse, and other problems.
Suffolk Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: (516) 669-2827
This hotline refers friends and family members of alcoholics to local support groups.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (516) 669-1124
A hotline which provides alcohol abusers with referrals to local AA meetings.
Brighter Tomorrows: (516) 485-4600
A helpline for battered spouses and children which provides crisis intervention, counseling, and temporary shelter.
Families Anonymous: (516) 221-0303
A support and referral hotline for family members of drug and/or alcohol abusers.
LIAAC: Long Island Association for AIDS Care: (see Nassau hotlines)
Long Island Women's Coalition, Inc. Hotline: (516) 666-8833
A helpline which offers referrals, counseling, shelter, and court advocacy for battered women.
Narcotics Anonymous: (516) 853-3760
A hotline for drug abusers which makes referrals to local NA support group meetings.
Nar-Anon: (516) 582-6465
A hotline which refers family members of drug abusers to local Nar-Anon support group meetings.
Response of Suffolk County: (516) 751-7500
A crisis intervention and treatment hotline (suicide, drug, alcohol, domestic violence, etc.).
Victims Information Bureau (VIBS): (516) 360-3606
A rape and domestic violence hotline
Long Island Clinic and Treatment Program Referrals
To locate the nearest alcohol or drug abuse clinic, outpatient treatment program, inpatient treatment program, or clinical therapy center, call one of the following information and referral helplines: (Insurance and fee information is available.)
Nassau County Department of Drug and Alcohol Addiction: (516) 572-5500
A counselor will make an assessment and set up an appointment for anyone seeking help with a drug or alcohol abuse problem. Local referrals will then be made to clinics, outpatient programs, and inpatient programs, depending on the specific needs and desires of the patient. Nassau residents only.
Suffolk County Department of Health Services, Division of Alcohol and Substance Abuse
Main Office (516) 853-8535
Cocaine (516) 852-2680
Alcohol (516) 854-2571
Methadone (516) 853-7373
An appointment will be set up with either the drug or alcohol clinic for an assessment and screening. Based on the nature of the substance abuse problem, appropriate referrals will be made for rehabilitation, detoxification, or outpatient/ inpatient treatment and counseling.
Please read the article I wrote below on domestic violence. If you are a victim, or know someone who is, get help immediately.
WHEN LOVE HURTS
"Don’t compromise yourself. You’re all you’ve got."-- Janis Joplin
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and coercive behavior which can involve physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological abuse. Domestic violence is not only evidenced or experienced by broken bones, bruises, and black eyes. It can be slaps and shoves, as well as threats, with or without a weapon. It can be economic control and emotional humiliation that causes harm to the victim.
Who is affected?
Domestic violence affects people who are married or dating, and can occur between parents and children. It affects people from all social, economic, racial, religious and ethnic groups. It knows no boundaries. It occurs in affluent areas with as much frequency as in the inner cities. It is just more carefully hidden, and much more stigmatized. While anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, women are by far the most common victims. The statistics from the National Institute of Justice indicate that 95% of victims are female, and 95% of perpetrators are male. This translates to millions of women being abused by their partners each year. In many cases, the abusers are men in positions of authority and respect in their work and careers.
My law firm sponsors regular workshops for mental health professionals on family law issues, including domestic violence and its effect on families. One of our guest speakers was Lois Schwaeber, Esq., of the Nassau County Coaction Against Domestic Violence, also known as "The Coalition". This highly regarded organization is a private, non-profit tax exempt entity, founded in 1976. The agency is the only comprehensive service provider to victims of domestic violence in Nassau County. It offers counseling, legal services, safe housing and Family Court advocacy for victims. All services are confidential and without charge. The Coalition can be reached at 516-572-0700. There is also a free, confidential 24 hour hotline at 516-542-0404.
How can you recognize violence in a relationship?
A healthy relationship is based on trust and mutual respect. Each partner supports the other, and tries to understand each other’s feelings and experiences, and feels free to express his or her needs. An abusive relationship often starts just like a healthy one -- full of love, excitement and romance. As time goes on, however, what once felt loving and flattering starts to feel controlling and even frightening. Some signs of an abusive relationship at the dating stage are: excessive jealousy, threats and accusations, name calling, humiliation, possessiveness, and violence. Domestic violence includes isolation of the victim from family and friends, forced sex, control of financial matters, excessive criticizing and belittling, destruction of property, monitoring of the victim’s whereabouts, stalking, and manipulation. The more experienced abuser can check the car’s mileage and question the children about the victim’s daily activities.
What is emotional abuse?
Physical abuse may be easy to recognize, but what is emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is often invisible and unreported. It is verbal abuse, threats, humiliation, and control. The abuser may prevent his partner from getting or keeping a job. He may force the victim to ask for money, or give her an allowance. He may deny her access to the family income. He abuses her by making her think she is crazy, playing mind games, controlling who she sees and talks to, and where she goes. Studies have shown that emotional abuse may be even more destructive than physical abuse because the abuser is always in the victim’s face, demeaning, degrading, humiliating and harassing her. In most communities, emotional and psychological abuse is much more common than physical abuse.
What are the causes and effects of domestic violence?
Domestic violence is rarely caused by alcohol or drug use, genetics, stress or mental illness. Therefore, it is not treatable in most cases with medication. Violence is not caused by loss of control as previously believed. It is the intentional use of controlling tactics. Violence is the choice the abuser makes to gain control and power in his household. The following characteristics are found in most batterers in family relationships:
< Control: Coerciveness is widely recognized as a central quality of battering men. The abuser treats the victim like a servant; he makes all of the big decisions and acts like the "master of the castle". One of the areas of life heavily controlled by these men is their wives’ parenting skills. An abusive man may overrule the mother’s parenting decisions, or assault her when he is angry over the children’s behavior.
< Entitlement: A man who batters considers himself entitled to a special status within the family, with the right to use violence when he deems necessary. He believes that he has the right to enforce his will on his partner. This belief, rooted in sexism and misogyny, is supported and tolerated by the society in which we live, a society which has historically condoned the use of violence against women. "Hitting my wife has nothing to do with how good a parent I am. As a man, I have the right to define her reality."
< Possessiveness: Abusive men have been reported to perceive their partners as owned objects. Other characteristics that can have an impact on children include manipulativeness, denial of the abuse, and resistance to change. Some abusers use favoritism to build a special allegience with one child in the family. As some researchers have noted, the favored child is particularly likely to be a boy, who is encouraged to feel superior to females.
The abuse is cumulative and it eventually robs the victim of her identity. The abuse almost never stops on its own and almost always gets steadily worse and more violent with the passage of time. Marriage counseling usually is not effective to stop the abuse because the victim is afraid to speak up out of fear of later repercussions. In addition, the abuser is often very manipulative and charming (even romantic), and as a result can fool the counselor that the marital problems are the victim’s own fault. He may claim that he is the real victim, and that she needs to change. Therefore, the counseling sessions become another means to control the victim and humiliate her. Researchers report frightening accounts of men who say and do all of the right things, and are the "star" of their anger management class, who are later arrested for horrific acts of violence towards their partners.
Recurring abuse may cause significant psychological problems resulting in post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety or mood disorders, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and substance abuse (used to self medicate). Both victims and batterers use alcohol or drugs to rationalize the violence. Society also rationalizes the situation, creating reasons why victims stay in the relationship and excuses the abuser as not really being a bad person. Adolescents in treatment for alcohol abuse are reported to have a higher rate of witnessing violence at home.
What are the effects on children?
Children who witness domestic violence, even indirectly, experience high levels of stress, fear and tension due to the high level of conflict between the parents. According to Ms. Schwaeber, when children live in a household with fighting and abuse, they are much more likely to:
-- copy the hitting and yelling they see.
-- live in fear of physical harm to themselves or their family.
-- worry too much.
-- think they are responsible and feel badly about themselves.
-- feel hopeless and sad and be unable to concentrate at school.
-- have problems with eating or sleeping.
-- love and hate the abuser at the same time.
Studies have indicated that children who witness domestic violence at home, compared to those who do not, exhibit more aggressive and anti-social behavior, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and low cognitive, verbal and motor skills. Moreover, men who abuse their wives are often violent towards their children. Children from violent families, even if not physically abused themselves, are severely affected by their experiences. A child who has witnessed violence in the home is often thinking: "I can’t sleep because I worry about Mommy. Why won’t she stop crying? I am afraid that Daddy will really hurt Mommy. Why are there broken dishes in the kitchen? If I keep my room clean, maybe Daddy wouldn’t hit Mommy. I get so frightened when they yell that I need to hide. I want to call the police."
As children get older and begin their own relationships, they will often mimic the behavior they witnessed in their childhood. Boys often react to domestic violence by acting with aggression towards their mothers and sisters. They carry this aggressive behavior into their later lives as boyfriends, husbands, and fathers. Girls who witness domestic violence may become more passive and in later life, they may become attracted to abusive men.
Why do victims stay in abusive relationships?
There are many reasons why women stay in the relationship, even after they know that they are being harmed. Some reasons are:
! Fear that leaving will precipitate even more violent incidents (One out of three
women killed in homicides tried to leave abusive partners.)
! Emotional dependency on the marital relationship, accompanied by feelings of low self esteem and self blame.
! No access to cash and lack of financial resources and employment income; concern about future economic security.
! Concern about the effects of a marital breakup on the children’s future.
! Feelings of love for the abusive spouse, coupled with hopes that the relationship will improve. (The victim believes that if she tries a little harder, or is a better wife, the abuser will really change.)
! Rationalization and excuses for the abuser’s behavior.
! Physical or social isolation from family.
! Strong cultural and religious beliefs about the importance of staying married, at all costs (Orthodox Jewish women stay twice as long in violent relationships, according to Carol Goodman Kaufman, author of Sins of Omission)
! Feelings of shame about choosing a bad partner, and having made a mistake.
! Acceptance of violence as "normal". (Mothers of victims tell their children, "My marriage was the same".)
! Lack of information about legal rights and the resources available.
! Prior unsuccessful attempts to obtain help.
! Concern that a report of violence won’t be believed. (Family and friends see the abuser as a "good guy" since the abuser is always careful to abuse in private, and always displays a positive image in public.)
! Fear of the unknown or making a life change. Fear of loneliness and social isolation.
What can be done to help the victim?
Religious and cultural beliefs may tacitly or openly approve of preserving the family, even to the detriment of women and children. In many cultures, there is a strong belief that domination of women by men is acceptable, based upon sex-based stereotypes about appropriate roles and conduct for women and men. In this belief system, males are superior to females, and the victim, not the abuser, is to blame.
It is important to offer support to the victim, and to help her understand that she is not to blame, and there is help available to her. If the victim has the support of her family and friends, she will have the strength she needs to investigate her legal options and to stop the abuse. The victim needs to know that there is a safe place for her to go with the children if the need arises. She can seek counseling to better understand her situation and what her options are.
National Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: 1-800-356-9996
A hotline which provides information on alcoholism and referrals to local support groups for friends and family members of alcoholics.
Alcohol Treatment Referral Hotline: 1-800-ALCOHOL
A 24-hour helpline which provides information and local referrals to people with alcohol and/or drug use concerns.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (212) 870-3400
The national AA base which provides information and referrals to local AA establishments.
Cocaine Anonymous: 1-800-347-8998
The national CA hotline which makes referrals for cocaine users to local support group meetings.
Families Anonymous: 1-800-736-9805
A hotline which refers family members and friends of alcohol or drug users to local FA meetings. *FA
The Helpline: 1-800-821-4357
A 24-hr alcohol and drug abuse assistance, information, and local referral service.
Narcotics Anonymous: (212) 929-6262
The national NA base which provides drug abusers with information and referrals to local NA groups.
National AIDS Hotline: 1-800-342-AIDS
An information service which offers local referrals for testing, support groups, and counseling.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
A national helpline which provides crisis assistance and information about shelters, legal advocacy, and counseling.
National Victim Center: 1-800-FYI-CALL
An information and referral service for victims of domestic violence or rape.
Nassau Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: (516) 433-8003
A hotline which refers friends and family members of alcoholics to local support groups.
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Hotline of Nassau County: (516) 481-4000
A 24-hour alcohol and drug abuse information, referral, and crisis helpline.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (516) 292-3040
A hotline which provides alcohol abusers with referrals to local AA group meetings.
Children of Alcoholics or Drug Abusers: (516) 588-6676
A YMCA Family Services support group for children (young and adult) of substance abusers.
Domestic Violence Hotline: (516) 485-4600
A helpline which offers a program specifically for abusive men seeking counseling and/or referrals.
LIAAC: Long Island Association for AIDS Care: (516) 385-AIDS
A hotline and referral service offering AIDS information, full client services, support groups, a legal clinic, a buddy program, and pastoral care.
Narcotics Anonymous: (516) 937-6262
A hotline for drug abusers which makes referrals to local NA support group meetings.
Nassau Coalition Against Domestic Violence: (516) 542-0404
An organization that offers counseling, shelter, and legal help to victims of abuse.
Suicide Hotline of Nassau: (516) 679-1111
A crisis intervention and referral hotline for suicide, substance abuse, and other problems.
Suffolk Hotlines
Al-Anon/Alateen: (516) 669-2827
This hotline refers friends and family members of alcoholics to local support groups.
Alcoholics Anonymous: (516) 669-1124
A hotline which provides alcohol abusers with referrals to local AA meetings.
Brighter Tomorrows: (516) 485-4600
A helpline for battered spouses and children which provides crisis intervention, counseling, and temporary shelter.
Families Anonymous: (516) 221-0303
A support and referral hotline for family members of drug and/or alcohol abusers.
LIAAC: Long Island Association for AIDS Care: (see Nassau hotlines)
Long Island Women's Coalition, Inc. Hotline: (516) 666-8833
A helpline which offers referrals, counseling, shelter, and court advocacy for battered women.
Narcotics Anonymous: (516) 853-3760
A hotline for drug abusers which makes referrals to local NA support group meetings.
Nar-Anon: (516) 582-6465
A hotline which refers family members of drug abusers to local Nar-Anon support group meetings.
Response of Suffolk County: (516) 751-7500
A crisis intervention and treatment hotline (suicide, drug, alcohol, domestic violence, etc.).
Victims Information Bureau (VIBS): (516) 360-3606
A rape and domestic violence hotline
Long Island Clinic and Treatment Program Referrals
To locate the nearest alcohol or drug abuse clinic, outpatient treatment program, inpatient treatment program, or clinical therapy center, call one of the following information and referral helplines: (Insurance and fee information is available.)
Nassau County Department of Drug and Alcohol Addiction: (516) 572-5500
A counselor will make an assessment and set up an appointment for anyone seeking help with a drug or alcohol abuse problem. Local referrals will then be made to clinics, outpatient programs, and inpatient programs, depending on the specific needs and desires of the patient. Nassau residents only.
Suffolk County Department of Health Services, Division of Alcohol and Substance Abuse
Main Office (516) 853-8535
Cocaine (516) 852-2680
Alcohol (516) 854-2571
Methadone (516) 853-7373
An appointment will be set up with either the drug or alcohol clinic for an assessment and screening. Based on the nature of the substance abuse problem, appropriate referrals will be made for rehabilitation, detoxification, or outpatient/ inpatient treatment and counseling.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Welcome to my blog!
Today is the first launch of my blog, Lady Lawyer. I hope that this blog will become a resource for law students, working moms and other "lady lawyers" (or those of you who aspire to join the ranks.) I would love to hear from you, and hopefully, can offer up some advice and guidance.
A little about me: I am a partner in a leading matrimonial and family law firm in Great Neck, New York. I have been practicing law for almost 17 years, since 1994. I have been married for 20 years, to my saint of a spouse, Maurice, and we have four children, ranging in age from 5 to 18. My firm, Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C. is recognized as a top firm specializing in the very complicated area of divorce and family law. Please visit my firm's website www.lawjaw.com for tons of information about New York Family Law, including articles, resources, and links.
I have worked very hard to get where I am, and I have had some lucky breaks along the way. That's all for now. In the weeks to come, I hope to add a lot of info about family law, work-life balance, and anecdotes about a day in the life as a lady lawyer.
A little about me: I am a partner in a leading matrimonial and family law firm in Great Neck, New York. I have been practicing law for almost 17 years, since 1994. I have been married for 20 years, to my saint of a spouse, Maurice, and we have four children, ranging in age from 5 to 18. My firm, Wisselman, Harounian & Associates, P.C. is recognized as a top firm specializing in the very complicated area of divorce and family law. Please visit my firm's website www.lawjaw.com for tons of information about New York Family Law, including articles, resources, and links.
I have worked very hard to get where I am, and I have had some lucky breaks along the way. That's all for now. In the weeks to come, I hope to add a lot of info about family law, work-life balance, and anecdotes about a day in the life as a lady lawyer.
The Smart Divorce
THE SMART DIVORCE
"It is Possible to Save Money in New York Divorce Court"
New York State may be the most expensive place on the planet to get divorced. This can be attributed to New York being the only remaining state still requiring grounds for divorce, or the fact that New York’s custody laws seem to encourage litigation, or the fact that licenses and degrees are classified as marital assets, which promotes even more litigation.
It is possible, however for many couples to have an affordable, reasonable, even amicable divorce settlement, which I call the "Smart Divorce".
The Smart Divorce should be the goal for every couple facing the end of their marriage in today’s economic climate. In every net worth category and income level, families today are faced with declining home equity, shrinking 401k investments and depleting college savings. They are faced with job losses, loss of overtime income, and looming credit card debts. Just about everyone should be concerned about saving money and assets during a divorce.
There are some conditions necessary in order to have a successful "Smart Divorce":
The most important one is a commitment by both parties to give their full efforts to negotiate out of court settlement with the assistance of their attorneys. Litigation should never be an initial strategy, but a last resort. Grounds for divorce should be agreed to from the outset.
Secondly, parties should devote their efforts to reaching a custody and visitation agreement which provides the least disruption to the children. Joint custody and joint parenting should be explored. With most households having two working parents, shared parenting is often in the best interests of the children, and attorneys can help their clients create a customized schedule to meet the needs of the whole family.
As to financial issues, it is extremely important for parties to be realistic about their expectations, and to follow the advice of their attorneys. This includes being up front about assets and income, and producing necessary documentation in a timely manner. With fewer resources at their disposal and a gloomy economic forecast, "lifestyle" expenses such as vacations, private schools, private tutors and camps must be looked at carefully and with a view to compromise. It is important to realize that many issues related to the children, including support and visitation are not "written in stone", but may in fact be modifiable in Court after the divorce is settled, based upon a change of circumstances. An experienced attorney can guide you on issues which concern you.
Regrettably, in some cases, an amicably settled divorce is simply not possible and litigation cannot be avoided. These include cases where there is abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, drug and alcohol issues, hidden assets or income, paternity issues, a family business, or separate property issues. It is also a challenge to settle a case when one party has completely unrealistic demands, anger, or a vindictive streak that gets in the way of negotiations.
"It is Possible to Save Money in New York Divorce Court"
New York State may be the most expensive place on the planet to get divorced. This can be attributed to New York being the only remaining state still requiring grounds for divorce, or the fact that New York’s custody laws seem to encourage litigation, or the fact that licenses and degrees are classified as marital assets, which promotes even more litigation.
It is possible, however for many couples to have an affordable, reasonable, even amicable divorce settlement, which I call the "Smart Divorce".
The Smart Divorce should be the goal for every couple facing the end of their marriage in today’s economic climate. In every net worth category and income level, families today are faced with declining home equity, shrinking 401k investments and depleting college savings. They are faced with job losses, loss of overtime income, and looming credit card debts. Just about everyone should be concerned about saving money and assets during a divorce.
There are some conditions necessary in order to have a successful "Smart Divorce":
The most important one is a commitment by both parties to give their full efforts to negotiate out of court settlement with the assistance of their attorneys. Litigation should never be an initial strategy, but a last resort. Grounds for divorce should be agreed to from the outset.
Secondly, parties should devote their efforts to reaching a custody and visitation agreement which provides the least disruption to the children. Joint custody and joint parenting should be explored. With most households having two working parents, shared parenting is often in the best interests of the children, and attorneys can help their clients create a customized schedule to meet the needs of the whole family.
As to financial issues, it is extremely important for parties to be realistic about their expectations, and to follow the advice of their attorneys. This includes being up front about assets and income, and producing necessary documentation in a timely manner. With fewer resources at their disposal and a gloomy economic forecast, "lifestyle" expenses such as vacations, private schools, private tutors and camps must be looked at carefully and with a view to compromise. It is important to realize that many issues related to the children, including support and visitation are not "written in stone", but may in fact be modifiable in Court after the divorce is settled, based upon a change of circumstances. An experienced attorney can guide you on issues which concern you.
Regrettably, in some cases, an amicably settled divorce is simply not possible and litigation cannot be avoided. These include cases where there is abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, drug and alcohol issues, hidden assets or income, paternity issues, a family business, or separate property issues. It is also a challenge to settle a case when one party has completely unrealistic demands, anger, or a vindictive streak that gets in the way of negotiations.
How to Lose a Custody Case in 7 Easy Steps
HOW TO LOSE A CUSTODY CASE IN 7 EASY STEPS
by Jacqueline Harounian, Esq.
As a matrimonial law attorney who regularly represents mothers and fathers in contested divorce trials, I have very some straight forward advice for parents going through divorce, and who are contemplating a custody action.
From the outset, it is important for mothers and fathers to recognize that married parents of minor children start out with joint custody rights. This means that both parents have equal rights to their children, and the same right to pursue custody of their children in their divorce case. In a world where many households contain two working parents, and many fathers have an active role in raising their children, the presumption that mothers will automatically get custody no longer exists. In fact, statistics show that fathers who seek custody of their children, are awarded custody 50% of the time. Custody laws are gender neutral, and this means that when the facts of a given case are applied to the governing law, a court may determine that it is in the best interests of the child to live primarily with the father, not the mother.
Now, here is a list of the seven most common pitfalls of parties going through custody actions. If you want to lose your custody case, here is the way to do it. If you want to win custody, steer clear of the following:
Not being the primary caretaker:
In most households, one parent is most responsible for caring for the children’s basic needs -- the so called primary caretaker. The parent who is the most involved in the children’s daily lives usually has the edge in a custody case. Therefore, if you are not putting in the time to do homework with your child, feeding, bathing, reading, taking him or her to the bus stop, you are at a disadvantage in a custody case. There is no better way to lose custody than to demonstrate to a judge that you are simply not involved in raising your child.
Not being active in your child’s schedule and activities:
Do you know the names of your child’s teachers? Have you ever supervised your child on a playdate or taken your child to the doctor? Do you regularly attend school conferences and school events? If the answer to these is "no", then it is an indication that someone else (i.e. the other parent) is the primary caretaker, not you.
Alcohol, drugs, or other "parental fitness" issues:
A parent who even casually partakes in alcohol and/or drugs will have a problem in winning custody. Most judges will take allegations of substance abuse seriously, and these allegations will be investigated thoroughly via random testing, psychological evaluations, and interviews. If you have an issue with substance abuse, then seek treatment for it immediately. If you are the perpetrator of domestic violence or abuse (which often goes hand in hand with alcohol use), this also pretty much guarantees that you will lose custody.
Leaving a paper trail that will hang you in Court:
Thanks to new technology, virtually every custody trial features the submission of evidence that can be used to portray the other parent in a very damaging light. Sometimes the evidence can make or break the custody case. The evidence can include text messages, photos and negative emails. Also potentially harmful are video and voice mail recordings (a la Alec Baldwin). If you are prone to sending impulsive emails and texts, ranting and raving at the other parent, third parties, or your own child, you are at risk of losing custody.
Disparaging the other parent.
Judges tend to look favorably upon a parent who demonstrates that he/she supports the child’s relationship with the other parent. A parent who is constantly denigrating the other parent, "leaking" anger, and negatively influencing the child’s relationship with the noncustodial parent will be reprimanded. In extreme cases, there will allegations of parental alienation and interference with parenting time. Many judges will consider a change of custody if this type of interference is shown. Bottom line: if you want to show the Judge that you will promote the best interests of your child, then you need to show that you recognize the value of the child’s relationship with your ex, and will take the steps to encourage that relationship. Of course, when you are going through an adversarial proceeding with someone you don’t like very much, it can be very hard to put those feelings aside for the sake of your child. But that is exactly what you need to do if you want to prevail in your case.
Showing lack of control:
It is critical to consistently act with good judgment and self control if you want to win custody. A parent who regularly loses control, and who cannot control his/her anger will be at a disadvantage. I have handled many cases where a litigant will lose control right in the courtroom, in front of the Judge. An angry outburst in court will be remembered. Similarly, a parent who "acts out" in front of the child’s attorney, social workers, teachers, neighbors, etc. will find himself confronted with a lot of negative testimony and evidence at trial. This is where the voice mails and emails also come into play. If you are serious about winning custody, then you must exhibit self control and put your child’s needs first. Going through a divorce is a difficult, emotional process. A custody case raises the stakes considerably. If necessary, seek counseling to get your anger under control. At the very least, taking this step will likely lead to improved relationships with your ex, other third parties, family members, and your child.
Failing to follow your attorney’s advice:
Going through a divorce and/or custody proceeding is one of the most stressful experiences there is. Whether you are seeking primary custody of your children, joint decision making, or a customized parenting plan, your goal should be to survive the process while protecting your rights to your most valuable asset -- your children. It is critical that you seek out the advice of an experienced family law attorney, who has handled contested custody trials (not the attorney who did the closing on your house, or the lawyer who charges the lowest retainer to do an uncontested divorce.) With an experienced advocate by your side, you can avoid making the mistakes outlined above, and you can be successful in your custody case.
WISSELMAN, HAROUNIAN & ASSOCIATES, P.C., 1010 Northern Boulevard; Suite 300,
Great Neck, New York 11021 Tel: (516) 773-8300 Email: jackie@lawjaw.com
by Jacqueline Harounian, Esq.
As a matrimonial law attorney who regularly represents mothers and fathers in contested divorce trials, I have very some straight forward advice for parents going through divorce, and who are contemplating a custody action.
From the outset, it is important for mothers and fathers to recognize that married parents of minor children start out with joint custody rights. This means that both parents have equal rights to their children, and the same right to pursue custody of their children in their divorce case. In a world where many households contain two working parents, and many fathers have an active role in raising their children, the presumption that mothers will automatically get custody no longer exists. In fact, statistics show that fathers who seek custody of their children, are awarded custody 50% of the time. Custody laws are gender neutral, and this means that when the facts of a given case are applied to the governing law, a court may determine that it is in the best interests of the child to live primarily with the father, not the mother.
Now, here is a list of the seven most common pitfalls of parties going through custody actions. If you want to lose your custody case, here is the way to do it. If you want to win custody, steer clear of the following:
Not being the primary caretaker:
In most households, one parent is most responsible for caring for the children’s basic needs -- the so called primary caretaker. The parent who is the most involved in the children’s daily lives usually has the edge in a custody case. Therefore, if you are not putting in the time to do homework with your child, feeding, bathing, reading, taking him or her to the bus stop, you are at a disadvantage in a custody case. There is no better way to lose custody than to demonstrate to a judge that you are simply not involved in raising your child.
Not being active in your child’s schedule and activities:
Do you know the names of your child’s teachers? Have you ever supervised your child on a playdate or taken your child to the doctor? Do you regularly attend school conferences and school events? If the answer to these is "no", then it is an indication that someone else (i.e. the other parent) is the primary caretaker, not you.
Alcohol, drugs, or other "parental fitness" issues:
A parent who even casually partakes in alcohol and/or drugs will have a problem in winning custody. Most judges will take allegations of substance abuse seriously, and these allegations will be investigated thoroughly via random testing, psychological evaluations, and interviews. If you have an issue with substance abuse, then seek treatment for it immediately. If you are the perpetrator of domestic violence or abuse (which often goes hand in hand with alcohol use), this also pretty much guarantees that you will lose custody.
Leaving a paper trail that will hang you in Court:
Thanks to new technology, virtually every custody trial features the submission of evidence that can be used to portray the other parent in a very damaging light. Sometimes the evidence can make or break the custody case. The evidence can include text messages, photos and negative emails. Also potentially harmful are video and voice mail recordings (a la Alec Baldwin). If you are prone to sending impulsive emails and texts, ranting and raving at the other parent, third parties, or your own child, you are at risk of losing custody.
Disparaging the other parent.
Judges tend to look favorably upon a parent who demonstrates that he/she supports the child’s relationship with the other parent. A parent who is constantly denigrating the other parent, "leaking" anger, and negatively influencing the child’s relationship with the noncustodial parent will be reprimanded. In extreme cases, there will allegations of parental alienation and interference with parenting time. Many judges will consider a change of custody if this type of interference is shown. Bottom line: if you want to show the Judge that you will promote the best interests of your child, then you need to show that you recognize the value of the child’s relationship with your ex, and will take the steps to encourage that relationship. Of course, when you are going through an adversarial proceeding with someone you don’t like very much, it can be very hard to put those feelings aside for the sake of your child. But that is exactly what you need to do if you want to prevail in your case.
Showing lack of control:
It is critical to consistently act with good judgment and self control if you want to win custody. A parent who regularly loses control, and who cannot control his/her anger will be at a disadvantage. I have handled many cases where a litigant will lose control right in the courtroom, in front of the Judge. An angry outburst in court will be remembered. Similarly, a parent who "acts out" in front of the child’s attorney, social workers, teachers, neighbors, etc. will find himself confronted with a lot of negative testimony and evidence at trial. This is where the voice mails and emails also come into play. If you are serious about winning custody, then you must exhibit self control and put your child’s needs first. Going through a divorce is a difficult, emotional process. A custody case raises the stakes considerably. If necessary, seek counseling to get your anger under control. At the very least, taking this step will likely lead to improved relationships with your ex, other third parties, family members, and your child.
Failing to follow your attorney’s advice:
Going through a divorce and/or custody proceeding is one of the most stressful experiences there is. Whether you are seeking primary custody of your children, joint decision making, or a customized parenting plan, your goal should be to survive the process while protecting your rights to your most valuable asset -- your children. It is critical that you seek out the advice of an experienced family law attorney, who has handled contested custody trials (not the attorney who did the closing on your house, or the lawyer who charges the lowest retainer to do an uncontested divorce.) With an experienced advocate by your side, you can avoid making the mistakes outlined above, and you can be successful in your custody case.
WISSELMAN, HAROUNIAN & ASSOCIATES, P.C., 1010 Northern Boulevard; Suite 300,
Great Neck, New York 11021 Tel: (516) 773-8300 Email: jackie@lawjaw.com
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